I Can't Call My Son By His Name

Back when we were deciding on names, I told Zach that I wanted to use his middle name, Tyler. He didn't like that idea at all so I let it go. My mom found out what his middle name was and immediately started calling the baby, "Tyler". I remember once she told me, "I don't care what his name is, I'm calling him Tyler!" haha! Of course, she was joking but hearing it so often made Zach finally agree to let me use it! I tell you what...I jumped on that and held on for dear life. No way was I not having Tyler in my son's name now. 

We hadn't really found a name that we could agree on. His favorite name was Owen...I HATED that name. However, he let me use his middle name so after a few months of trying my hardest to find a different name, I conceded and we decided on Owen Tyler. I figured that it was a fair trade and that I would get used to the name eventually. It would grow on me, right? 

Fast forward to the day he was born. The minute I looked at him, I knew that he wasn't supposed to be Owen. The exact second I thought that, Zach said, "Yeah, he is definitely Owen." Well, crap.  Now I don't have a choice...his name is Owen. I sat there while Zach told the nurses his name, I filled out the birth certificate form, it was my fault that I didn't speak up earlier. 

After we brought him home, I tried Owen and couldn't do it. So, I tried Tyler. It worked for a couple of days but eventually I couldn't do that anymore either. I ended up calling him pet names for weeks instead of his own name. When anyone would call him either Owen or Tyler I would cringe. It's his name! What else are they supposed to call him, you psycho?? I felt like such a bad mom!! How can I not be comfortable calling my son by his name?! I felt like I was such a failure. Eventually, it got to the point where I had a full blown panic attack (this was also one of my pretty bad postpartum depression days). I told Zach that I wanted to change his name because it felt like I was having an identity crisis. He told me that he would start calling him Tyler and see if it was just that I didn't like the name Owen(Have I mentioned lately what an amazing husband I have???). 

That went on for a couple more weeks until one night I couldn't take it anymore. Again, I felt like the worst mom in the entire world. I told Zach about my problems and all he said was, "Ok, let's start looking for a new name." That night, I sat there nursing the baby and for 20 minutes straight just prayed the same words over and over again, "Please help me name my child". I searched so many databases until 4 am (he was sick so sleep was not on his agenda and therefore, was not on mine) when I finally went to sleep. The next morning, I woke up and had this feeling like I needed to search Scottish name databases. The second website I visited was a top 100 site. Kian was #100. I saw the name, looked at him, and knew that there wasn't anything else that I could call him. I played with a few spellings and narrowed it down to the original "Kian" and "Keyan". I wanted to find something that people wouldn't pronounce "Cayenne" like the pepper. I sent them to Zach (he was on orders for the week with the military) and didn't hear back. Shoot! He's probably angry at me.

He was actually just driving home. When we all got home, he told me that he really liked the name and agreed that that could be his new name. I felt like I had taken Zach's name away (he insists that I didn't and that he really likes Kian) so I told him that he gets to choose the spelling. It took about 3 days to pick but on Monday, August 31, we had Owen's name legally changed to Kian Tyler Nebeker.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have ever regretted your child's name, YOU. ARE. NOT. A. BAD. PARENT!!! Don't you dare feel like you are! Changing a birth name is actually more common than you would think, it just isn't talked about. I cannot express to you the relief and peace I have felt this week since we changed his name. It's taking some getting used to (we had been calling him something else for over a month) but I am completely in love. Kian fits. If you are in a similar boat as mine, talk to your spouse. It is absolutely worth it, even if you end up keeping the original name. 

My biggest piece of advice?? Pray about the name FIRST and don't be afraid to voice your concerns before you get it put on the birth certificate. It will save so much anxiety and self-loathing as a new parent.

5 Weeks!

The day we came home from the hospital vs today

We don't need to roll up newborn pants anymore!!

Hi, my name is Kian and I am 5 weeks old today! I love snuggling, kisses from my puppy, and telling stories whenever I am awake. I cry real tears now which breaks my mommy's heart. My favorite thing is when daddy comes home from work and plays with me! I am VERY ticklish but haven't decided if I like it or not yet. I am growing like a weed and can FINALLY fit into Newborn clothes! I am definitely the most loved man-child in the history of ever 💙💙

Owen's Story (It's A Long One) Malena's Version!!

Owen Tyler Nebeker

Due: August 24,2015

Born: July 30,2015

This little boy has been a miracle from conception to birth. 5 years ago, today, I married my very best friend who has been my rock and my saving grace every single minute. When we were told that we could never get pregnant, it felt like my world had ended. When we lost our first angel baby, I didn't know how I was going to make it. However, that experience showed me that the doctors were wrong and I clung to that for years of trying.

In November of 2014, after months of infertility treatments, I got another negative (I actually got 3 negative tests that week). It shouldn't have been a big deal, I had been getting them every month for years. However, I completely broke down because I felt like it HAD TO BE THIS MONTH! I couldn't explain why that feeling was so strong. I called my doctor who, for what felt like the millionth time, prescribed my pills that would start my period. I waited for 2 weeks before picking them up because I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't supposed to take them. After two days of taking them, I remember thinking, "You have to stop! What are you doing??". So, out of desperation I went and bought more pregnancy tests and on day 51 of my cycle...got a  positive! That day at work, I told my boss who let me do an hcg test (tells you exactly how much pregnancy hormone you have) and my numbers were so high! It wasn't a fluke or a faulty stick. I. Was. FINALLY. Pregnant!! If I had done what my doctor had told me to do, I would have lost my angel. I never would have known that I was pregnant. That nagging feeling of the spirit saved his life and, in turn, saved mine.

Skip forward to the third trimester. Until now, I had had a pretty normal pregnancy. Morning sickness, aches and pains, mucho amounts of swelling...the works. The only thing that wasn't normal was that my doctor didn't care! Every time I told him I was concerned with something he would do one of three things, "You're fine." Talk over me and say, "You're fine." or ignore me altogether. My longest appointment was about 5 minutes long with all of my questions being ignored. I knew something was wrong but he brushed it all off. I ended up in the hospital for the first time in June because I was bleeding with cramping and contractions (which I had been having since week 18), and I hadn't felt him move in 24 hours. He gave me medicine that stopped my contractions but that was the end of his caring. Week 32, I got so sick of it that I actually changed doctors. Best. Decision. Ever.

I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and we couldn't get it under control. We tried everything we could think of with no luck. My old doctor told me that that was my diabetic specialists job and he wasn't getting involved. Dr. Crouch got involved the very first day and never stopped. I went to him with concerns of having Preeclampsia and he went above and beyond to ensure that if I had Preeclampsia, I would be safe. I was checking my blood pressure 5+ times per day, I was on modified bedrest, I was on a strict diet in a futile attempt to control my sugars...it was kind of getting intense. In 4 weeks I went to the doctor 8 times, one being to a specialist to get permission to induce me pre-term. There wasn't one visit where I felt like I wasn't his main priority. Around week 30, I started having horrible nightmares about dying during delivery. I would wake up shaking and crying. They got more and more intense the closer my due date got and I was terrified!

July 30, midnight30 I woke up feeling like I needed Depends! Wtf, I was leaking! As I stood up to go to the bathroom it all gushed out. Let me tell you, if Zach had been awake, I would have been mortified. I was cleaning it up but it didn't look or smell like urine...it didn't have a smell or color at all. That's odd...urine always smells, at least a little. I went back to bed, did some research (all while trying to keep the light from my phone from waking Zach up)and decided that I was probably just losing bladder control or my sac had ripped a little bit. I felt like I should call the hospital but I was SO TIRED! I didn't want to have to walk allllll the way to the next room to make a phone call. So, I did what any logical person would do--I went back to sleep. I woke up with the gushing sensation a few more times throughout the night but was still in denial. When 7 o'clock rolled around I told Zach I was going to the hospital but that it was nothing so I was totally fine with him going to work. Of course I would call him if anything was wrong. In fact, I insisted on it because I wanted him to save his time off for the end of August when baby came. On the way to the hospital, I called my supervisor and told her I would be a couple hours late (hahaha) but that I was going to be there as soon as I could.

It was quite the busy day for the hospital! Almost every delivery room was full and most of the doctors were there (including my old doctor...so awkward). My nurse came in and took a swab sample to send to the lab to see if my water had broken. While we were waiting for the results, Dr. Crouch came in to check up on me (he came in several times that day because his office is just down the hall)and told me that if I don't deliver today, he wants to induce me on the 5th of August. The specialist I had to go see told him the sooner I'm induced the better (of course, he didn't tell me that!)so it was a good thing I was coming in today, I guess.

30 minutes later nurse Krista came in and said, "You're not leaving pregnant! Call your husband!" Hallelujah, it was finally happening!! For the first time in 6 weeks I finally felt peace. For the first time in 6 weeks, I knew that I was going to be ok. She continued to explain to me that everyone is really worried about how early he is and I may not get to hold him right away. She warned me that there would be several specialists there and an emergency team because he would most likely need help breathing on his own. Hey, as long as he is safe, I will sacrifice getting to hold him for a while.

I called both sets of parents to let them know...mine wanted to end their vacation early (I feel HORRIBLE!) and Zach's mom told me, "If you want me to come down, I will drop everything and come." It was so sweet. I told her that I would love to have her there but it would still be a LONG time. 

It's go time!!

 Around 11:30 Nurse Krista started my Pitocin because in almost 12 hours I hadn't had a serious contraction. We needed to get this started! It took 3 hours for it to kick in! They kept upping my dose trying to start something...ANYTHING but it didn't work. Finally, the second time Dr. Crouch came to check on me, he decided to put a monitor on Owen's head. THERE WAS THE CONTRACTION! I wanted to kick him in the face! I was just fine not having any pain...jerk. After 3 contractions I decided that I needed my epidural STAT. I hadn't cried yet but they were only going to get worse from there. Pitocin contractions are a lot stronger than normal contractions so that kind of threw my 5 second desire of going natural out the window. 3 contractions later (I was the fifth epidural that morning) the anesthesiologist and his student came in. Weren't they a sight for sore eyes!? It took a couple of tries to get the epidural in because of all the contractions but after it was I was in heaven! It is truly a blessing that they came when they did. The entire day we had been monitoring my blood pressure (which had slowly gone higher and higher). By the time they started the epidural I was almost at 180/110 and climbing FAST!! As soon as they got the medicine on, I dropped to 128/80 and only went higher than that 3 times over the next two days.

My contractions came more regularly and soon it was time to push! Some time around 5, Nurse Krista introduced Nurse SueAnn who would be taking over for her at the end of her shift. They were both incredibly caring nurses and made me feel so safe. The epidural was doing such a good job that the 4 of us were watching TV and missed the entire thing!! I wanted him out so I just stared at the contraction screen the rest of the time. 

Dr. Crouch came in around 7 to check up on me again and said he would be back right after he grabbed some dinner (suuuuure, rub it in!). As soon as he came back things went so quickly!

The last few minutes of being pregnant!

The second to last push, SueAnn had me reach down and feel his head...that's when I cried. It was really happening. I was about to finally get my dream of becoming a mommy!
"I'm going to have to push one more time then stop in the middle. It's going to feel weird but I need you to do it." Uhh...ok? One more big push and.... "Look down, Mom"

He grabbed Owen's arm, made him wave and said "Hi, Mom!!" I couldn't help but laugh. I was so excited and relieved and...quite frankly, exhausted! I ended up ripping (2nd degree midline?) "exactly where [I] needed to". It is still tender 5 weeks later (I am post dating this one to when I actually meant to write it) but it could have been worse.
Owen Tyler Nebeker joined the world on July 30, 2015 at 20:18. 6 lbs 6 oz, 18 in long. He sounded just like a screamer firework! So much for those lungs not working, huh? 

Everyone thought he would be spending days, if not weeks, in the NICU and he didn't need it. His respirations were a little low, his left ear took a few times to pass the hearing test but we got him back

right away. He stayed with us as long as we wanted him and got to go home on August 1st.

"Hi, Mom!"

The first time we held hands

 Before he left, Dr. Crouch finally let on how worried they all were about me. "I am so glad he decided to come today. You were headed for a really bad place." I guess I don't remember how bad my pregnancy was or maybe I was oblivious because I was living it. Either way, it's a miracle that things ended up how they did and that both mama and baby are safe and healthy.

***I cannot remember most of what happened that day (It makes me want to cry) so there will be another blog post made by my husband with his side of the story!***

First family photo

One proud papa