I Can't Call My Son By His Name

Back when we were deciding on names, I told Zach that I wanted to use his middle name, Tyler. He didn't like that idea at all so I let it go. My mom found out what his middle name was and immediately started calling the baby, "Tyler". I remember once she told me, "I don't care what his name is, I'm calling him Tyler!" haha! Of course, she was joking but hearing it so often made Zach finally agree to let me use it! I tell you what...I jumped on that and held on for dear life. No way was I not having Tyler in my son's name now. 

We hadn't really found a name that we could agree on. His favorite name was Owen...I HATED that name. However, he let me use his middle name so after a few months of trying my hardest to find a different name, I conceded and we decided on Owen Tyler. I figured that it was a fair trade and that I would get used to the name eventually. It would grow on me, right? 

Fast forward to the day he was born. The minute I looked at him, I knew that he wasn't supposed to be Owen. The exact second I thought that, Zach said, "Yeah, he is definitely Owen." Well, crap.  Now I don't have a choice...his name is Owen. I sat there while Zach told the nurses his name, I filled out the birth certificate form, it was my fault that I didn't speak up earlier. 

After we brought him home, I tried Owen and couldn't do it. So, I tried Tyler. It worked for a couple of days but eventually I couldn't do that anymore either. I ended up calling him pet names for weeks instead of his own name. When anyone would call him either Owen or Tyler I would cringe. It's his name! What else are they supposed to call him, you psycho?? I felt like such a bad mom!! How can I not be comfortable calling my son by his name?! I felt like I was such a failure. Eventually, it got to the point where I had a full blown panic attack (this was also one of my pretty bad postpartum depression days). I told Zach that I wanted to change his name because it felt like I was having an identity crisis. He told me that he would start calling him Tyler and see if it was just that I didn't like the name Owen(Have I mentioned lately what an amazing husband I have???). 

That went on for a couple more weeks until one night I couldn't take it anymore. Again, I felt like the worst mom in the entire world. I told Zach about my problems and all he said was, "Ok, let's start looking for a new name." That night, I sat there nursing the baby and for 20 minutes straight just prayed the same words over and over again, "Please help me name my child". I searched so many databases until 4 am (he was sick so sleep was not on his agenda and therefore, was not on mine) when I finally went to sleep. The next morning, I woke up and had this feeling like I needed to search Scottish name databases. The second website I visited was a top 100 site. Kian was #100. I saw the name, looked at him, and knew that there wasn't anything else that I could call him. I played with a few spellings and narrowed it down to the original "Kian" and "Keyan". I wanted to find something that people wouldn't pronounce "Cayenne" like the pepper. I sent them to Zach (he was on orders for the week with the military) and didn't hear back. Shoot! He's probably angry at me.

He was actually just driving home. When we all got home, he told me that he really liked the name and agreed that that could be his new name. I felt like I had taken Zach's name away (he insists that I didn't and that he really likes Kian) so I told him that he gets to choose the spelling. It took about 3 days to pick but on Monday, August 31, we had Owen's name legally changed to Kian Tyler Nebeker.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have ever regretted your child's name, YOU. ARE. NOT. A. BAD. PARENT!!! Don't you dare feel like you are! Changing a birth name is actually more common than you would think, it just isn't talked about. I cannot express to you the relief and peace I have felt this week since we changed his name. It's taking some getting used to (we had been calling him something else for over a month) but I am completely in love. Kian fits. If you are in a similar boat as mine, talk to your spouse. It is absolutely worth it, even if you end up keeping the original name. 

My biggest piece of advice?? Pray about the name FIRST and don't be afraid to voice your concerns before you get it put on the birth certificate. It will save so much anxiety and self-loathing as a new parent.