Reunited and It Feels SO Dang Good!

It's almost been a year since I last posted and SO much has happened! I have had a lot of my readers asking for this particular post for about 8 months so here it is!

APRIL 25, 2013

0400: I'm wide awake because my excitement is just too much! I really did try to sleep longer than that but I couldn't contain it. Off to the shower I go to get dressed and ready for the biggest thing that has probably ever happened to me. 

0530: Out the door as fast as I can so that I can beat the huge traffic jam that is sure to ensue. 

0600: Show up at the Air Guard Airport anxiously awaiting the text that's going to tell me that his plane has FINALLY left Texas!!!

If you can't already tell, today is the day that the love of my life comes home from a deployment that has allowed me to see him for all of two weeks in the last YEAR! I ran into some of my dear Army Wife friends and others who I never got to meet in person but who I came to love so much. For me, it felt like being in a marathon and seeing your entire support group there with you, cheering you on to the end. Yes, there were times when we didn't want to be around each other but they became sisters to me. 

Just a few of the women who got me through every, agonizing, day

My family showed up in time to keep me from going insane! My parents, Zach's parents, my oldest sister, and his younger brother, and his paternal grandparents showed up to see him get off of the plane. I was so grateful that they took time out of their busy schedules to make it! (I lost a lot of my pictures but I'm posting the ones I've got left)

Grandma, Jordan, and Dad

My parental units

Waiting for the plane with Mahauni and Jordan!!

My sign. He makes for such a good model. 

Me and my daddy :)

A sign the Rear D (the part of the company that stays home for support) made for them.

It took a FOREVER for all the seconds to pass. Luckily I had lots of family to help me pass the time. Then it happened. One second there was nothing withing miles and the next...HIS PLANE WAS ROLLING IT!!!! I was, literally, shaking because I was so excited. Then it hit me just how nervous I was. "What if he doesn't like me anymore?" "What if 8 months at Crossfit wasn't enough?" "What if I've changed too much?" "Ahh!! I don't think I can go up there!" I was a basket case of emotions.

The soldiers started piling out of the plane, running to their loved ones and all I could do was let my craziness take over me. Just when I thought I was going to explode, there he was. HE WAS REALLY HOME!!!!! The second I saw his face I started to cry, then I began tapping Jordan on the shoulder saying, "He's here! He's here! There he is!!" I couldn't move though. I wanted to go look for him but I just stood on my chair. Later, Zach told me that his mom found him and "It was nice to see her but you were the only one I was looking for. I couldn't even focus on saying hi to her because I was looking for you." My mom finally snapped me out of it and pulled me off of my chair. I found him and I have never felt more complete. All my fear went away. My soldier was safe. At home. With me.

His plane!

When I saw him get off the plane

First picture of his back on Utah soil

He was looking for me

Aaaaand...he found me

P.S. My fears were completely out of place. He was so excited to be home and our marriage has never been stronger!

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life long promise to him." ~Anonymous

She Did WHAT!?

As you read in my New Year's post, one of my Revolutions is to run 3 5k's this year. I told Soldier that I didn't want to run one without him and he was pretty excited about racing with me. I found the race that would give me a chance to learn to run (I have exercise induced asthma so it had to be far enough away that I could train slowly) and would be after he got home from deployment. I have decided on the Midnight 5k in St. George, UT. I figure that midnight is a good time for my first race because then I won't be dying from heat and hating the choice I made to step out of my comfort zone. 

Well, some exciting news, tonight at family dinner with my in-laws I mentioned that we were going to do this race. My FIL (father-in-law) started asking some questions and then said that he wanted to run with us! I am so excited! This made me think about making it a huge family ordeal. So, I called my parents who agreed to race, my sister-in-law who said she'd race, a couple of my other sisters said they would as well, and I'm just waiting to hear back from one of my brothers-in-law. I think this will be such a blast! My, sweetheart, MIL got us a condo for a week so that we could take a little vacation the week after the race. Love her!

I HATE running with a passion that burns deep within my soul but I found this new app that is supposed to help you train in such a way that you learn to love it. I want to start Tuesday and use it Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. My last day on the program will be March 9th and then I can just keep up running 3x's a week. I can still do Crossfit twice/week as my crosstraining. Overkill? Possibly. Worth it? I sure hope so...

*sidenote: I just realized that I can take my dog running with me and get his exercise for the day in. He used to run with Zach every single day...then we moved to SL County. He was bred for energy and this will be so good for him as well :) BAM! Another Revolution accomplished!*

My box (Crossfit gym) is wanting to start a running clinic with some expert runner. I didn't want to do it before but now I'm really inspired to go and learn all that I can. I want to finish my training program and then go and see how I can improve. I have 9 weeks to get to the point where I can run 3 miles. After that, I will have about 11 weeks until the race to drastically improve my time. I'm thinking about having my FIL go running with me once I can keep up with him so that we can both motivate each other to work harder. He is really nervous that he's going to get left behind...I don't think he understands that I am no good at cardio exercise because of my lungs.

Wow...that was quite the ramble...basically, I'm really excited. I'm pretty sure that I'm addicted to getting fit. I want new challenges. I LOVE the way it feels to accomplish something I didn't think I could do. I crave the endorphins that come from a hard workout. Hopefully, it stays this good once I don't have to distract myself all the time :)

I'm so grateful for a family who is so willing to jump at the chance to help me realize my goals. I was definitely blessed to be born into my family and to marry into Soldier's family.

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Drumroll please...

On August 9th, I started going to Crossfit Fanatics in West Jordan. I have lost 15 lbs since July 13th WOOHOO! Because of this, several of my friends asked me to post before and after photos onto Facebook. Yeah right. Even though this blog is 100% public, I feel like it will be seen less this way so, without further ado, I give you my before and "so far" shots. Please ignore the garbage in the bathroom.

The end of August 2012 

December 5, 2012

The end of August 2012 

December 5, 2012

There you have it. As of December 5th, I weigh 170 lbs. My legs are a lot thinner, I'm toning up (you can see my ribs in the after shots), I feel great! I also didn't realize, until I saw these photos, that I naturally stand a lot straighter now. This is after 4 months at Crossfit and I have 4 more months to reach my goal! You will have another update in April. I'm going to be going back on my GF/AF/SF diet so that my insides will stop hating me. That will definitely help me continue to tone up.

One thing that I am proud of and am continuing to improve is my strength. When I'm not having asthma, I can dead lift 150lbs. When I first started, I could only dead lift 105lbs! My endurance is increasing and I am loving the opportunity to challenge myself to go further than the time before.

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Progress

At the beginning of October, I got a phone call from my Angel. It was a really short one but we got to pray together...it was amazing. I felt so much peace that I hadn't felt in weeks. Before we prayed, we decided that we were going to read one chapter in the Book of Mormon every day until he got home. That way, it would be like we were reading it together and we would feel closer to each other. We would also be growing in the ways that matter most. We are going to save the last chapter for the day he gets home and read it together. After we are completely finished, we'll follow Moroni's advice and pray about it.

I'm keeping a chart on my bedroom wall so that I can keep track of where we need to be. He has been great with reading everyday. I, on the other hand, have sucked it up. I thought I only missed a day or two but it turns out that I am a week behind him. I'm working on it lol. I'm catching up to him. He is so...much better than I am but I'm trying.

The first week that we started that was amazing! Everything that would have normally driven me mad just rolled off my back like the duck that I am(that's a story for a completely different time). The gospel of Jesus Christ is such a blessing to have in my life. No matter what is going on in my life, there is a huge sense of peace when I follow the commandments. Having someone who shares this love with me? The best blessing I could have asked for.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

I'm...not sure

Well, I am not sure what to write today. I have had this nagging in the back of my head for a while now...I just feel like I need to write. Whether or not I actually publish this is an entirely different matter.

The last week or two has been difficult and when I find myself getting down I have to stop whatever I'm doing, take a deep breath, and count. No, not 1...2...3... I'm counting months. It has been almost 27 months (next week) since my soldier and I got married. It has been 17 months since we moved to SLC from Logan. In 3 weeks, I will have been at my current job for a year and we will have had our dog, Jax for 2 years. I have been living in our current house for almost 6 months. I graduated from high school 3 1/2 years ago. Time does pass. It is always moving and it is, most definitely, not stopped right now. Yes, it feels like I'm stuck in time but then I remember things that happened a while ago. It helps me remember that, soon, the deployment will be on my list of "so many months ago...Soulmate was deployed."

I have this problem and I've known about it for a really long time. Today, in Sunday School, one of the verses of scripture we read was Matthew 7:3-5. It talks about how we are hypocrites because we view the mote in our brother's eye but cannot see the beam that is in our own. Now, I have been trying and trying to not judge others because it is not my place. Being human, I fail on a constant basis but this lesson...this lesson today really hit me hard. I have more flaws than I would ever care to admit and I have no room to do anything but show love for all of God's children. I wish that I could be more Christlike and I'm trying.

The last thing about this post that I think is important is:

I don't know how I won the heart of such an amazing man. Zach is everything that I'm not. He is everything that I need. Even from 7338 miles away, he knows exactly what to say to make everything ok. He knows when I'm upset even when I think I'm doing an awesome job at hiding it. He knows every little thing about me and loves me anyways. My flaws and oddities don't scare him away...he says that they make him love me even more. Every day that he is gone, my love for him grows more than I knew possible. How can such a tiny muscle in your body, hold so much? How can it be constantly expanding to hold more and, yet, remain the same size? This man...Oh, this man. He is my rock. He gives me strength when I don't think that I can go on. He has always encouraged me in everything that I do. He has always seen the beauty that is within me, even when I can't see anything. He keeps me in check when I'm about to go too far...he pushes me when I don't go far enough. I love him. I can honestly say that I am terrified of who I would be if he had never come into my life. Before I met him, I was in such a bad place. Then along came this  amazing, wonderful stranger who made me fall head-over-heels in love with him. I will forever be grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending him to me. I know that when he made Zach he was thinking about how he was going to save me one day. If you're, somehow, reading this...I will love you until the end of Eternity.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Secrets, secrets are...so. much. fun.

Wanna know a secret? It's a juicy one.

*****************************************************************

I. Love. My. Body.

*gasp* "She said what??" I know! We are programed to HATE ourselves! At least, that's what I thought for YEARS! I hated everything about me. I couldn't see why Husband would love me so much. He thought that I was perfect. Yes, he would encourage me to exercise with him but he always made sure that I knew, "I love you no matter what. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met!" Psh....yeah right ;)

Well, since he deployed I've made it a goal to get back down to my DS College weight (DS was my first college away from home. I weighed 140) and get tone! I have never been tone. I know, that's EVERY Deployed Wife's goal! "Ooooh, I'm gonna get fit for the husband" and then they never do it! I was one of them.

On August 9th, I kicked it into gear. A few weeks before, I had learned about this thing called Crossfit...it looked so scary! August 9th was the day I tried it out for the first time. I also started going back on my diet (see my post about the diet. Should be around October 2011). Because of this awesomeness I have gone from 180.3 on Aug. 9th, to 170.0 today! Less than a month later!

The love of my body started 4 days after starting Crossfit. I noticed a tiny change and that was awesome. This morning I looked in the mirror at my much skinnier self, ran downstairs to the scale, almost passed out from pure shock, and got dressed for another awesome work out!

I forgot to get my inches measurement today but I know that I have lost at least 1 inch because my pants don't fit...even with a belt on.

This has been SUCH an inspiring experience for me! I hate exercising more than any person I know and if I can do it, so can you! 

I will probably post a few of the quotes that have helped keep me going at a later date. Until then, here is the one that helped me go today. 

"Never quit. Because when you see someone fight that hard, it makes life seem pretty easy. The more you give, the more you realize how easy life really is. Pain is temporary, but quitting lasts forever."
- U.S. Navy SEAL Unknown

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Putting It Into Perspective

Here is a song that my sweet friend, Sabrina, posted. So far, on this deployment journey I have: completely broken down in front of my math teacher, gotten about 4 hours of sleep every night, am []this close to failing my classes this semester because I can't focus, I have pasted that fake smile for the world to see while I'm at work, I deal with the "Oh, I totally understand! I've seen Army Wives!" and the "Oh. THAT'S his job? He's safe." people, and, through the Lord, have become stronger than I ever knew possible. 

However, through this whole experience (other than praying for their safety) I have been so selfish! I thought that this experience wasn't hard on the soldiers "because they trained for it". I thought that I was the only one hurting. I know that it is hard for them, but I was only thinking of myself. After Sabrina posted this song, my view on this did a complete 180. I need the rest of you military wives/girlfriends/husbands/families out there to see that it isn't easy on them either. They didn't want to leave us...they had to. This song made me love my soldier so much more than I did before. It made me see how hard it was for him to say goodbye again...but he did it because it was asked of him. He is among the most selfless men I have ever met and I am so grateful that we have this life together. Yes, it's hard, but I wouldn't change one second of what we have together. 

So, without further ado, I give you...

Memphis May Fire-- Miles Away

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Stand in Holy Places

Tonight, I am half a world away from the man I love. I hurt in places I never knew existed...all because we are apart. Tonight, I didn't pray for comfort like I should have but the Lord knew exactly what I needed. He took pity on me and gave me His comfort and love even when I did not deserve it. Tonight, I am at peace. I know that everything will be ok. I know that my angel will come home to me. Tonight, the Lord heard my heart crying out to Him and answered me.

I thought I understood what people were talking about when they would say, "He hears and answers every prayer." But, until now, I had no idea. EVERY prayer. The one that I didn't say...the one that I didn't even know that my heart was screaming out. He answered me. He knows me. He loves me. Heavenly Father knew what I needed tonight and came to my rescue. His arms wrapped around me and my tears ceased, my fears subsided, and my heart was no longer troubled. 

I cannot express how grateful I am to Him for calming me down tonight. There are people around me that I can complain to but I don't, 90% of the time. They don't need to be burdened with my pain. And, honestly, I feel like they don't understand. Even the wives who are going through it with me. We are all experiencing the same deployment and a completely different deployment all at the same time. They don't know EXACTLY how I am feeling so I choose not to complain to them most the time. They have their own pain. However, HE knows my pain. He knows, right down to the last little ache. He knows exactly what I am going through right now. I love the Lord with all my heart. ...it just took me a little while to remember that He is always there if I only cry out to Him.

During all of this, I found an old song that I haven't heard in years. It brought me so much peace that I need to share it for those who need peace as well. Like the song says, "I stand in holy places, and I will not move until the Captain comes and says well done. He is the hope I hold on to." I will get through this deployment because I am holding onto Him the entire way. He gives me peace when I have none. He gives me the strength to get out of bed each day. He sends Zach's love to me when I need it most.

Tonight...I stand in holy places. I will hold on until He comes and tells me that I've done well. I will hold on until Zach comes back to me safely.

In a sea shifting values
Tossed on every wave
While the winds wail around me
I will not be afraid
To call out for my captain
To calm the waves in me
When I stand a little taller
Its only then I finally see

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Captain comes
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

There is a harbor in His holy house
An anchor in His grace
That steadies in the waves of doubt
And in every holy place
No matter where I travel
His spirits guiding me
With the Lord as my captain
There is a peaceful port in me

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says well done
He is the hope I hold on to

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come 
And says well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

Holy places

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Oh, How I Love the Wives

I've got insomnia. I tried to sleep but I couldn't without posting this. It kept nagging and nagging until I turned my computer back on. Because of how tired I am, it will just be short.

When we first heard about the deployment, I thought I could get through it alone. I thought that I would be strong enough to not need anyone else.

**I have never been more wrong**

Because of this deployment, there was a group made on Facebook for the spouses and families of the deploying soldiers. 

Best. Idea. Ever. 

It originally started out as a bunch of strangers with a similar hurdle to jump. Then, the admin shared her story which got everyone else to share as well. As more people began sharing, I noticed that we all started talking more and planning to see each other more. The people in Logan found each other, Idaho found each other, etc. and we became each others support. 

Over the last few weeks these amazing women have gone from being complete strangers to me, to being sisters. When I've had a bad day, they make me laugh until I want to pee my pants. When I'm missing my husband, they're there to let me cry. When I need someone to stop me from buying too much for my husband's birthday, they are there to encourage me to buy more! 

I am grateful for this deployment for so many reasons...but today, it's because it brought us together. If it wasn't for the deployment, I wouldn't know these women and I wouldn't have their strength rubbing off on me each day. The days when I feel weak they pick me up and help me keep going.

I love these ladies more every time I get on the computer. They are all so strong and so brave. They help me know that no matter what, we are sisters and nothing will change that. I don't think I will be able to repay them for what they have done for me so far (not to mention what I know they will do for me over the next year). MK was absolutely right. I am completely still in debt to her! ;) as well as the rest of them.

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Embrace the Suck

Today....

Today straight up sucked.

Yes, marrying a soldier you know what you're getting into; but does that make it hurt any less? Nope. I think it makes it worse because it's constantly in the back of your mind. Knowing that one day, the man you love more than life itself is going to be called up by his country, for God only knows how long, to a country that you've only heard stories about. They prepare for this from day one. THIS is why they joined the military in the first place! They're trained for this!

****We're not****

We're not trained for what to do at home while he's off fighting a war. But we deal...and we stay "Army Strong" because we love them. We take it one day at a time and hope that the next day we get a little stronger. At least, that's what I think--that's what I hope. "You never know how strong you are until you don't have any other choice." Status: True. Today, I start my journey to find out just how strong I really am. 

Today is the official day 1 for me. I woke up at 5:18 and couldn't get back to sleep. That's ok with me, though. It gave me 20 minutes to just watch him sleep. Out the door at 6:30...that's the Army for ya...hurry up and wait. I'm glad we got that extra hour before things got crowded. It was nice to have that time, relatively, alone. 

I didn't think that anyone in our family was going to be able to make it but my two wonderful sisters, Tawna and Ta'Mera, and their families drove for over an hour just to see him off. It meant so much to him to have that support. I am so grateful that they sacrificed so much to make it this morning. I don't think I could have gotten through it without them there.

Phoenix and Maddox LOVED looking at the planes. Maddox thought it was so cool that there were so many soldiers around. I got a text from Ta'Mera later saying, "Wow! Uncle Zach is an Army guy!"~Maddox. Apparently he didn't know. But they sure love their Uncle Zach...they also love the cookies and donuts that they got when they walked into the hangar. 

Listening to the commanders talk to the troops and families. One soldier proposed to his girlfriend! So bittersweet. 

Lennox stopped crying for all of two seconds JUST for this photo! I felt so lucky. The poor baby just wanted to eat not get his picture taken!

Zach picked up Phoenix and she latched onto him like it was life or death. They stayed like this for several minutes. The only thing that got her to let go of him was Maddox grabbing her leg and pulling as hard as he could :)

Last goodbye. This is when I knew that it was finally hitting Zach too. He grabbed me and wouldn't let go. It wasn't a normal hug...it was an "I'm going to miss you so much" hug. I hated this moment...I didn't want to let go. 

:'( This is it...the last time I get to see his face. This was a lot louder than the video shows...it was a really cool second. So...hard to handle. 

:'( There he goes. I love you, Zach! Oh, so many tears.

I am so proud of my soldier...so proud of the entire 624th! Stay safe and return with honor, soldiers. You make us all so proud to be Army Families.

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

HE'S

***********************************************

DEPLOYING

These are the words that every Military Wife dreads hearing. He may have a week or a month or even a year before he goes, but the worrying starts as soon as those words register in our minds. As much as we'd like to ignore it there's just that stupid nagging in the back of our heads of: what if he gets shot?; what if he gets captured?; what if something happens to the helicopter he's in?; what if...what if...what if?

Sure we've got so long before he leaves but does that stop us from having nightmares? No. Does that stop us from breaking down at the most inconvenient moments? No. Does that stop us from hating the military a little bit for taking the men that we love away from us? Absolutely not.

My name is Malena and I'm an Army Wife. I got the news this last Thursday. It's our first deployment and I knew it was coming. We all know it's coming eventually--they joined the Armed Forces for a reason--to fight for our country. But this one I really did know was coming because he volunteered for it. The commander of the 624th came to his unit and asked for volunteers because their unit was still too small so....Zach, being the devoted soldier that he is, came home and told me all about it. We talked about it for a really long time and on the last day possible he sent in his intent to volunteer. That was 4-5 months ago so we thought that the 624th had already found enough volunteers.

Boy

were

we

wrong.

Thursday night, right before we were about to head out for the night, he decided to check his AKO e-mail and lo and behold there's the worst e-mail I have ever seen in my life. I looked over his shoulder, saw two words, and my stomach dropped like an anvil. I tried so hard to put on a brave face but he knew I was faking. He tried to get me to come sit with him on the couch but I knew I'd start bawling so I just stood there staring at him. I didn't even have time to blink before he was up holding me and I was completely breaking down. I don't remember the last time I've cried like that. I felt like my world was ending.

It's been a week since we found out and it's finally gotten easier to talk about. I don't cry every time I think about it anymore. Yesterday, we even talked about kids and what I was going to do while he was gone and when he gets home for 15 minutes before I couldn't take it anymore and started to cry.

Progress. ...right?

My name is Malena and my soldier deploys in April 2012 for 15 months. This is my journey to stay Army Strong.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life long promise to him."--Anonymous