I'm...not sure

Well, I am not sure what to write today. I have had this nagging in the back of my head for a while now...I just feel like I need to write. Whether or not I actually publish this is an entirely different matter.

The last week or two has been difficult and when I find myself getting down I have to stop whatever I'm doing, take a deep breath, and count. No, not 1...2...3... I'm counting months. It has been almost 27 months (next week) since my soldier and I got married. It has been 17 months since we moved to SLC from Logan. In 3 weeks, I will have been at my current job for a year and we will have had our dog, Jax for 2 years. I have been living in our current house for almost 6 months. I graduated from high school 3 1/2 years ago. Time does pass. It is always moving and it is, most definitely, not stopped right now. Yes, it feels like I'm stuck in time but then I remember things that happened a while ago. It helps me remember that, soon, the deployment will be on my list of "so many months ago...Soulmate was deployed."

I have this problem and I've known about it for a really long time. Today, in Sunday School, one of the verses of scripture we read was Matthew 7:3-5. It talks about how we are hypocrites because we view the mote in our brother's eye but cannot see the beam that is in our own. Now, I have been trying and trying to not judge others because it is not my place. Being human, I fail on a constant basis but this lesson...this lesson today really hit me hard. I have more flaws than I would ever care to admit and I have no room to do anything but show love for all of God's children. I wish that I could be more Christlike and I'm trying.

The last thing about this post that I think is important is:

I don't know how I won the heart of such an amazing man. Zach is everything that I'm not. He is everything that I need. Even from 7338 miles away, he knows exactly what to say to make everything ok. He knows when I'm upset even when I think I'm doing an awesome job at hiding it. He knows every little thing about me and loves me anyways. My flaws and oddities don't scare him away...he says that they make him love me even more. Every day that he is gone, my love for him grows more than I knew possible. How can such a tiny muscle in your body, hold so much? How can it be constantly expanding to hold more and, yet, remain the same size? This man...Oh, this man. He is my rock. He gives me strength when I don't think that I can go on. He has always encouraged me in everything that I do. He has always seen the beauty that is within me, even when I can't see anything. He keeps me in check when I'm about to go too far...he pushes me when I don't go far enough. I love him. I can honestly say that I am terrified of who I would be if he had never come into my life. Before I met him, I was in such a bad place. Then along came this  amazing, wonderful stranger who made me fall head-over-heels in love with him. I will forever be grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending him to me. I know that when he made Zach he was thinking about how he was going to save me one day. If you're, somehow, reading this...I will love you until the end of Eternity.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Putting It Into Perspective

Here is a song that my sweet friend, Sabrina, posted. So far, on this deployment journey I have: completely broken down in front of my math teacher, gotten about 4 hours of sleep every night, am []this close to failing my classes this semester because I can't focus, I have pasted that fake smile for the world to see while I'm at work, I deal with the "Oh, I totally understand! I've seen Army Wives!" and the "Oh. THAT'S his job? He's safe." people, and, through the Lord, have become stronger than I ever knew possible. 

However, through this whole experience (other than praying for their safety) I have been so selfish! I thought that this experience wasn't hard on the soldiers "because they trained for it". I thought that I was the only one hurting. I know that it is hard for them, but I was only thinking of myself. After Sabrina posted this song, my view on this did a complete 180. I need the rest of you military wives/girlfriends/husbands/families out there to see that it isn't easy on them either. They didn't want to leave us...they had to. This song made me love my soldier so much more than I did before. It made me see how hard it was for him to say goodbye again...but he did it because it was asked of him. He is among the most selfless men I have ever met and I am so grateful that we have this life together. Yes, it's hard, but I wouldn't change one second of what we have together. 

So, without further ado, I give you...

Memphis May Fire-- Miles Away

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Embrace the Suck

Today....

Today straight up sucked.

Yes, marrying a soldier you know what you're getting into; but does that make it hurt any less? Nope. I think it makes it worse because it's constantly in the back of your mind. Knowing that one day, the man you love more than life itself is going to be called up by his country, for God only knows how long, to a country that you've only heard stories about. They prepare for this from day one. THIS is why they joined the military in the first place! They're trained for this!

****We're not****

We're not trained for what to do at home while he's off fighting a war. But we deal...and we stay "Army Strong" because we love them. We take it one day at a time and hope that the next day we get a little stronger. At least, that's what I think--that's what I hope. "You never know how strong you are until you don't have any other choice." Status: True. Today, I start my journey to find out just how strong I really am. 

Today is the official day 1 for me. I woke up at 5:18 and couldn't get back to sleep. That's ok with me, though. It gave me 20 minutes to just watch him sleep. Out the door at 6:30...that's the Army for ya...hurry up and wait. I'm glad we got that extra hour before things got crowded. It was nice to have that time, relatively, alone. 

I didn't think that anyone in our family was going to be able to make it but my two wonderful sisters, Tawna and Ta'Mera, and their families drove for over an hour just to see him off. It meant so much to him to have that support. I am so grateful that they sacrificed so much to make it this morning. I don't think I could have gotten through it without them there.

Phoenix and Maddox LOVED looking at the planes. Maddox thought it was so cool that there were so many soldiers around. I got a text from Ta'Mera later saying, "Wow! Uncle Zach is an Army guy!"~Maddox. Apparently he didn't know. But they sure love their Uncle Zach...they also love the cookies and donuts that they got when they walked into the hangar. 

Listening to the commanders talk to the troops and families. One soldier proposed to his girlfriend! So bittersweet. 

Lennox stopped crying for all of two seconds JUST for this photo! I felt so lucky. The poor baby just wanted to eat not get his picture taken!

Zach picked up Phoenix and she latched onto him like it was life or death. They stayed like this for several minutes. The only thing that got her to let go of him was Maddox grabbing her leg and pulling as hard as he could :)

Last goodbye. This is when I knew that it was finally hitting Zach too. He grabbed me and wouldn't let go. It wasn't a normal hug...it was an "I'm going to miss you so much" hug. I hated this moment...I didn't want to let go. 

:'( This is it...the last time I get to see his face. This was a lot louder than the video shows...it was a really cool second. So...hard to handle. 

:'( There he goes. I love you, Zach! Oh, so many tears.

I am so proud of my soldier...so proud of the entire 624th! Stay safe and return with honor, soldiers. You make us all so proud to be Army Families.

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous