I'm...not sure

Well, I am not sure what to write today. I have had this nagging in the back of my head for a while now...I just feel like I need to write. Whether or not I actually publish this is an entirely different matter.

The last week or two has been difficult and when I find myself getting down I have to stop whatever I'm doing, take a deep breath, and count. No, not 1...2...3... I'm counting months. It has been almost 27 months (next week) since my soldier and I got married. It has been 17 months since we moved to SLC from Logan. In 3 weeks, I will have been at my current job for a year and we will have had our dog, Jax for 2 years. I have been living in our current house for almost 6 months. I graduated from high school 3 1/2 years ago. Time does pass. It is always moving and it is, most definitely, not stopped right now. Yes, it feels like I'm stuck in time but then I remember things that happened a while ago. It helps me remember that, soon, the deployment will be on my list of "so many months ago...Soulmate was deployed."

I have this problem and I've known about it for a really long time. Today, in Sunday School, one of the verses of scripture we read was Matthew 7:3-5. It talks about how we are hypocrites because we view the mote in our brother's eye but cannot see the beam that is in our own. Now, I have been trying and trying to not judge others because it is not my place. Being human, I fail on a constant basis but this lesson...this lesson today really hit me hard. I have more flaws than I would ever care to admit and I have no room to do anything but show love for all of God's children. I wish that I could be more Christlike and I'm trying.

The last thing about this post that I think is important is:

I don't know how I won the heart of such an amazing man. Zach is everything that I'm not. He is everything that I need. Even from 7338 miles away, he knows exactly what to say to make everything ok. He knows when I'm upset even when I think I'm doing an awesome job at hiding it. He knows every little thing about me and loves me anyways. My flaws and oddities don't scare him away...he says that they make him love me even more. Every day that he is gone, my love for him grows more than I knew possible. How can such a tiny muscle in your body, hold so much? How can it be constantly expanding to hold more and, yet, remain the same size? This man...Oh, this man. He is my rock. He gives me strength when I don't think that I can go on. He has always encouraged me in everything that I do. He has always seen the beauty that is within me, even when I can't see anything. He keeps me in check when I'm about to go too far...he pushes me when I don't go far enough. I love him. I can honestly say that I am terrified of who I would be if he had never come into my life. Before I met him, I was in such a bad place. Then along came this  amazing, wonderful stranger who made me fall head-over-heels in love with him. I will forever be grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending him to me. I know that when he made Zach he was thinking about how he was going to save me one day. If you're, somehow, reading this...I will love you until the end of Eternity.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Secrets, secrets are...so. much. fun.

Wanna know a secret? It's a juicy one.

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I. Love. My. Body.

*gasp* "She said what??" I know! We are programed to HATE ourselves! At least, that's what I thought for YEARS! I hated everything about me. I couldn't see why Husband would love me so much. He thought that I was perfect. Yes, he would encourage me to exercise with him but he always made sure that I knew, "I love you no matter what. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met!" Psh....yeah right ;)

Well, since he deployed I've made it a goal to get back down to my DS College weight (DS was my first college away from home. I weighed 140) and get tone! I have never been tone. I know, that's EVERY Deployed Wife's goal! "Ooooh, I'm gonna get fit for the husband" and then they never do it! I was one of them.

On August 9th, I kicked it into gear. A few weeks before, I had learned about this thing called Crossfit...it looked so scary! August 9th was the day I tried it out for the first time. I also started going back on my diet (see my post about the diet. Should be around October 2011). Because of this awesomeness I have gone from 180.3 on Aug. 9th, to 170.0 today! Less than a month later!

The love of my body started 4 days after starting Crossfit. I noticed a tiny change and that was awesome. This morning I looked in the mirror at my much skinnier self, ran downstairs to the scale, almost passed out from pure shock, and got dressed for another awesome work out!

I forgot to get my inches measurement today but I know that I have lost at least 1 inch because my pants don't fit...even with a belt on.

This has been SUCH an inspiring experience for me! I hate exercising more than any person I know and if I can do it, so can you! 

I will probably post a few of the quotes that have helped keep me going at a later date. Until then, here is the one that helped me go today. 

"Never quit. Because when you see someone fight that hard, it makes life seem pretty easy. The more you give, the more you realize how easy life really is. Pain is temporary, but quitting lasts forever."
- U.S. Navy SEAL Unknown

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Putting It Into Perspective

Here is a song that my sweet friend, Sabrina, posted. So far, on this deployment journey I have: completely broken down in front of my math teacher, gotten about 4 hours of sleep every night, am []this close to failing my classes this semester because I can't focus, I have pasted that fake smile for the world to see while I'm at work, I deal with the "Oh, I totally understand! I've seen Army Wives!" and the "Oh. THAT'S his job? He's safe." people, and, through the Lord, have become stronger than I ever knew possible. 

However, through this whole experience (other than praying for their safety) I have been so selfish! I thought that this experience wasn't hard on the soldiers "because they trained for it". I thought that I was the only one hurting. I know that it is hard for them, but I was only thinking of myself. After Sabrina posted this song, my view on this did a complete 180. I need the rest of you military wives/girlfriends/husbands/families out there to see that it isn't easy on them either. They didn't want to leave us...they had to. This song made me love my soldier so much more than I did before. It made me see how hard it was for him to say goodbye again...but he did it because it was asked of him. He is among the most selfless men I have ever met and I am so grateful that we have this life together. Yes, it's hard, but I wouldn't change one second of what we have together. 

So, without further ado, I give you...

Memphis May Fire-- Miles Away

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Stand in Holy Places

Tonight, I am half a world away from the man I love. I hurt in places I never knew existed...all because we are apart. Tonight, I didn't pray for comfort like I should have but the Lord knew exactly what I needed. He took pity on me and gave me His comfort and love even when I did not deserve it. Tonight, I am at peace. I know that everything will be ok. I know that my angel will come home to me. Tonight, the Lord heard my heart crying out to Him and answered me.

I thought I understood what people were talking about when they would say, "He hears and answers every prayer." But, until now, I had no idea. EVERY prayer. The one that I didn't say...the one that I didn't even know that my heart was screaming out. He answered me. He knows me. He loves me. Heavenly Father knew what I needed tonight and came to my rescue. His arms wrapped around me and my tears ceased, my fears subsided, and my heart was no longer troubled. 

I cannot express how grateful I am to Him for calming me down tonight. There are people around me that I can complain to but I don't, 90% of the time. They don't need to be burdened with my pain. And, honestly, I feel like they don't understand. Even the wives who are going through it with me. We are all experiencing the same deployment and a completely different deployment all at the same time. They don't know EXACTLY how I am feeling so I choose not to complain to them most the time. They have their own pain. However, HE knows my pain. He knows, right down to the last little ache. He knows exactly what I am going through right now. I love the Lord with all my heart. ...it just took me a little while to remember that He is always there if I only cry out to Him.

During all of this, I found an old song that I haven't heard in years. It brought me so much peace that I need to share it for those who need peace as well. Like the song says, "I stand in holy places, and I will not move until the Captain comes and says well done. He is the hope I hold on to." I will get through this deployment because I am holding onto Him the entire way. He gives me peace when I have none. He gives me the strength to get out of bed each day. He sends Zach's love to me when I need it most.

Tonight...I stand in holy places. I will hold on until He comes and tells me that I've done well. I will hold on until Zach comes back to me safely.

In a sea shifting values
Tossed on every wave
While the winds wail around me
I will not be afraid
To call out for my captain
To calm the waves in me
When I stand a little taller
Its only then I finally see

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Captain comes
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

There is a harbor in His holy house
An anchor in His grace
That steadies in the waves of doubt
And in every holy place
No matter where I travel
His spirits guiding me
With the Lord as my captain
There is a peaceful port in me

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says well done
He is the hope I hold on to

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come 
And says well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

Holy places

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Embrace the Suck

Today....

Today straight up sucked.

Yes, marrying a soldier you know what you're getting into; but does that make it hurt any less? Nope. I think it makes it worse because it's constantly in the back of your mind. Knowing that one day, the man you love more than life itself is going to be called up by his country, for God only knows how long, to a country that you've only heard stories about. They prepare for this from day one. THIS is why they joined the military in the first place! They're trained for this!

****We're not****

We're not trained for what to do at home while he's off fighting a war. But we deal...and we stay "Army Strong" because we love them. We take it one day at a time and hope that the next day we get a little stronger. At least, that's what I think--that's what I hope. "You never know how strong you are until you don't have any other choice." Status: True. Today, I start my journey to find out just how strong I really am. 

Today is the official day 1 for me. I woke up at 5:18 and couldn't get back to sleep. That's ok with me, though. It gave me 20 minutes to just watch him sleep. Out the door at 6:30...that's the Army for ya...hurry up and wait. I'm glad we got that extra hour before things got crowded. It was nice to have that time, relatively, alone. 

I didn't think that anyone in our family was going to be able to make it but my two wonderful sisters, Tawna and Ta'Mera, and their families drove for over an hour just to see him off. It meant so much to him to have that support. I am so grateful that they sacrificed so much to make it this morning. I don't think I could have gotten through it without them there.

Phoenix and Maddox LOVED looking at the planes. Maddox thought it was so cool that there were so many soldiers around. I got a text from Ta'Mera later saying, "Wow! Uncle Zach is an Army guy!"~Maddox. Apparently he didn't know. But they sure love their Uncle Zach...they also love the cookies and donuts that they got when they walked into the hangar. 

Listening to the commanders talk to the troops and families. One soldier proposed to his girlfriend! So bittersweet. 

Lennox stopped crying for all of two seconds JUST for this photo! I felt so lucky. The poor baby just wanted to eat not get his picture taken!

Zach picked up Phoenix and she latched onto him like it was life or death. They stayed like this for several minutes. The only thing that got her to let go of him was Maddox grabbing her leg and pulling as hard as he could :)

Last goodbye. This is when I knew that it was finally hitting Zach too. He grabbed me and wouldn't let go. It wasn't a normal hug...it was an "I'm going to miss you so much" hug. I hated this moment...I didn't want to let go. 

:'( This is it...the last time I get to see his face. This was a lot louder than the video shows...it was a really cool second. So...hard to handle. 

:'( There he goes. I love you, Zach! Oh, so many tears.

I am so proud of my soldier...so proud of the entire 624th! Stay safe and return with honor, soldiers. You make us all so proud to be Army Families.

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous