A Lost Blessing

I left my scriptures in Italy. ("You went to Italy?? It's not blogged about!" I know. When I get the pictures off my camera, I will write a blog/blogs about the trip) When I first discovered this, I. Was. Devastated. It was all I could do to stop myself from bawling. Those scriptures had EVERYTHING in them! I have had them since I was 13-years-old. I left them in Italy because I don't know how to keep track of my own things. I'm dumb. For all I know, they ended up in the trash somewhere...but I can pray that I left them so that they could bless the life of some unsuspecting soul. It had all my quotes and highlights and thoughts from seminary. My cross-references. My testimony. They were my lifeline for such a long time, and I hope that they can provide comfort for someone else. The Lord knows what is best for His children.

I am still pretty upset about it so I can't bring myself to buy new ones. Because of that, my goal to read the scriptures every day failed. I am supposed to be past Omni and I was at the beginning of 2 Nephi. Two days ago I decided that I have the Gospel Library App on all of my electronic devices so I really didn't have an excuse as to why I wasn't reading. Since that discovery, I am almost caught up to where I need to be. I listen while I'm on my way to work every day and it feels awesome! I'm probably not getting as much out of it as I could, but it makes me feel better :) It makes me feel like, no matter how hard the day gets, I have the Savior lifting me up and holding me when I can't walk anymore. So, really, by me losing my scriptures I have been blessed because it brought me closer to my Father in Heaven. 

"Army Wife: It's not my status; it's my life long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Progress

At the beginning of October, I got a phone call from my Angel. It was a really short one but we got to pray together...it was amazing. I felt so much peace that I hadn't felt in weeks. Before we prayed, we decided that we were going to read one chapter in the Book of Mormon every day until he got home. That way, it would be like we were reading it together and we would feel closer to each other. We would also be growing in the ways that matter most. We are going to save the last chapter for the day he gets home and read it together. After we are completely finished, we'll follow Moroni's advice and pray about it.

I'm keeping a chart on my bedroom wall so that I can keep track of where we need to be. He has been great with reading everyday. I, on the other hand, have sucked it up. I thought I only missed a day or two but it turns out that I am a week behind him. I'm working on it lol. I'm catching up to him. He is so...much better than I am but I'm trying.

The first week that we started that was amazing! Everything that would have normally driven me mad just rolled off my back like the duck that I am(that's a story for a completely different time). The gospel of Jesus Christ is such a blessing to have in my life. No matter what is going on in my life, there is a huge sense of peace when I follow the commandments. Having someone who shares this love with me? The best blessing I could have asked for.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

I'm...not sure

Well, I am not sure what to write today. I have had this nagging in the back of my head for a while now...I just feel like I need to write. Whether or not I actually publish this is an entirely different matter.

The last week or two has been difficult and when I find myself getting down I have to stop whatever I'm doing, take a deep breath, and count. No, not 1...2...3... I'm counting months. It has been almost 27 months (next week) since my soldier and I got married. It has been 17 months since we moved to SLC from Logan. In 3 weeks, I will have been at my current job for a year and we will have had our dog, Jax for 2 years. I have been living in our current house for almost 6 months. I graduated from high school 3 1/2 years ago. Time does pass. It is always moving and it is, most definitely, not stopped right now. Yes, it feels like I'm stuck in time but then I remember things that happened a while ago. It helps me remember that, soon, the deployment will be on my list of "so many months ago...Soulmate was deployed."

I have this problem and I've known about it for a really long time. Today, in Sunday School, one of the verses of scripture we read was Matthew 7:3-5. It talks about how we are hypocrites because we view the mote in our brother's eye but cannot see the beam that is in our own. Now, I have been trying and trying to not judge others because it is not my place. Being human, I fail on a constant basis but this lesson...this lesson today really hit me hard. I have more flaws than I would ever care to admit and I have no room to do anything but show love for all of God's children. I wish that I could be more Christlike and I'm trying.

The last thing about this post that I think is important is:

I don't know how I won the heart of such an amazing man. Zach is everything that I'm not. He is everything that I need. Even from 7338 miles away, he knows exactly what to say to make everything ok. He knows when I'm upset even when I think I'm doing an awesome job at hiding it. He knows every little thing about me and loves me anyways. My flaws and oddities don't scare him away...he says that they make him love me even more. Every day that he is gone, my love for him grows more than I knew possible. How can such a tiny muscle in your body, hold so much? How can it be constantly expanding to hold more and, yet, remain the same size? This man...Oh, this man. He is my rock. He gives me strength when I don't think that I can go on. He has always encouraged me in everything that I do. He has always seen the beauty that is within me, even when I can't see anything. He keeps me in check when I'm about to go too far...he pushes me when I don't go far enough. I love him. I can honestly say that I am terrified of who I would be if he had never come into my life. Before I met him, I was in such a bad place. Then along came this  amazing, wonderful stranger who made me fall head-over-heels in love with him. I will forever be grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending him to me. I know that when he made Zach he was thinking about how he was going to save me one day. If you're, somehow, reading this...I will love you until the end of Eternity.

"Army Wife: It's not my status, it's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous

Stand in Holy Places

Tonight, I am half a world away from the man I love. I hurt in places I never knew existed...all because we are apart. Tonight, I didn't pray for comfort like I should have but the Lord knew exactly what I needed. He took pity on me and gave me His comfort and love even when I did not deserve it. Tonight, I am at peace. I know that everything will be ok. I know that my angel will come home to me. Tonight, the Lord heard my heart crying out to Him and answered me.

I thought I understood what people were talking about when they would say, "He hears and answers every prayer." But, until now, I had no idea. EVERY prayer. The one that I didn't say...the one that I didn't even know that my heart was screaming out. He answered me. He knows me. He loves me. Heavenly Father knew what I needed tonight and came to my rescue. His arms wrapped around me and my tears ceased, my fears subsided, and my heart was no longer troubled. 

I cannot express how grateful I am to Him for calming me down tonight. There are people around me that I can complain to but I don't, 90% of the time. They don't need to be burdened with my pain. And, honestly, I feel like they don't understand. Even the wives who are going through it with me. We are all experiencing the same deployment and a completely different deployment all at the same time. They don't know EXACTLY how I am feeling so I choose not to complain to them most the time. They have their own pain. However, HE knows my pain. He knows, right down to the last little ache. He knows exactly what I am going through right now. I love the Lord with all my heart. ...it just took me a little while to remember that He is always there if I only cry out to Him.

During all of this, I found an old song that I haven't heard in years. It brought me so much peace that I need to share it for those who need peace as well. Like the song says, "I stand in holy places, and I will not move until the Captain comes and says well done. He is the hope I hold on to." I will get through this deployment because I am holding onto Him the entire way. He gives me peace when I have none. He gives me the strength to get out of bed each day. He sends Zach's love to me when I need it most.

Tonight...I stand in holy places. I will hold on until He comes and tells me that I've done well. I will hold on until Zach comes back to me safely.

In a sea shifting values
Tossed on every wave
While the winds wail around me
I will not be afraid
To call out for my captain
To calm the waves in me
When I stand a little taller
Its only then I finally see

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Captain comes
And says Well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

There is a harbor in His holy house
An anchor in His grace
That steadies in the waves of doubt
And in every holy place
No matter where I travel
His spirits guiding me
With the Lord as my captain
There is a peaceful port in me

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come
And says well done
He is the hope I hold on to

I stand in holy places
Protected from the storm
Anchored safe in harbor
Though my sails are ripped and worn
I stand in holy places
And I will not move
Until the Lord has come 
And says well done
He is the hope I hold on to
In holy places

Holy places

"Army Wife: It's not my status. It's my life-long promise to him." ~Anonymous